I’m going to attempt better documentation during these last weeks of pregnancy. My goal was to write often to this girl of ours. Whoops. Pregnancy seems to have flown by, and between our crazy schedule and the end of the school year, I don’t see an end to that trend. So here’s to trying to slow down just a bit and remember these special moments. But first I’m backing up, backing up pretty far to the very first moments when the realization of new life first came to be. Because I want to remember the vulnerability, the excitement and the privilege of what those first few days held.
Hi there baby of mine,
I’m your momma. I suspect you growing inside of me and have for a few days now. Tomorrow morning, we’ll see for sure. Your dad is in Africa for two more days, so I celebrated just the two of us tonight. Well, you, me and a pizza. As much as I wish your dad was here, it’s kind of special, this time we have together. These few days where it’s our little secret. Soon your life will become a gift to so many people, but for now, the two of us are one. The only ones.
I’ll admit, you terrify me. I’m scared of the next few months in which you might take my energy and lend me nausea. I’m scared of the reality of actually delivering you into this world. But mostly, and selfishly, I’m panicked at losing control. You see I can’t control your birth date nor whether you will make it there. Your gender is not up to me. I’m unable to shield you from birth defects or the cruelty of the world. I can’t ensure that others won’t hurt you or that you won’t hurt others. You, oh baby of mine, are out of my control, out of my protection in so many ways. But I promise. I promise you this.
I can’t protect you from everything, but I can love you through anything. It’s you and me baby, today and tomorrow. Forever and always.
Changed this morning when those two little lines appeared.
Elbows on the counter and fists pushing my cheeks into my ears, my heart would not stop pounding as I leaned over and stared at that those two lines.
Last night you were a suspicion. Today you are a person.
So many thoughts rushed through my head as I began to attempt to lean into this new reality. What if I’ve already messed this up? Am I behind on vitamins and diet? Did I eat a food I shouldn’t have? I told you, you terrify me.
But as the day went on and the Internet provided me some answers and relief, fright turned into anxious excitement. I began to count the hours until your dad arrives home tomorrow. I’m ready for two to become three!
I’m still scared, but I also feel you are empowering me already. While I feel so far out of my comfort zone, in a way I already feel like I’m growing more into myself. I did everything I could to take care of you today. I ran to grab prenatal vitamins, stopped in to get a flu shot, drank water like it was my job, and reintroduced chicken back into my diet.
Tomorrow we become a family of three. Today and tomorrow, a family we’ll be.
We told your dad tonight. He reacted exactly as I imagined: theatrically excited, enthusiastically shocked, and dramatically sentimental. He was perfect.